In the beginning...

God couldn't get his story straight. Chapter 1 chronology:

Day 1 - God created light. It doesn't say what the source of this light is. It's certainly not the sun because that's not even around until workday number three. Oddly though, there was light and non-light, because he separated these into day and night. So here we have god making day and night without the sun. Maybe it's on a timer. But really, he had to turn the lights on first, just so he could see what he was doing.

Day 2 - Here it gets a little sketchy, as if the whole light thing wasn't odd enough. ""Let there be space between the waters, to separate water from water." And so it was. God made this space to separate the waters above from the waters below. And God called the space "sky." This happened on the second day." So, where's the water outside of "space?" Now, what I as a christian would have said is, that since we haven't explored all of space, we can't know where the water is. Kind of like god's stashing it somewhere. Why would god hide the water? Why'd he make so much that he had to carry off buckets of it and place it outside of space? What's outside of space? Well, that would be outside of the universe, and we as humans won't ever get there. Ha! Got you there unbelievers! So don't even think that Europa or the Oort Cloud (http://www.solarviews.com/eng/oort.htm) is where god is keeping his personal coolers of H2O, like in the back of the fridge kind of thing.

So day 2 is hauling water across the universe. Big day you know, as water is about eight pounds a gallon. That's a mess of hauling, but when you're god it's probably a breeze. And what is he saving this water for? Genisis 7. Just you wait!

Day 3 - After god had dried up seaworld a bit, he went further and made land. I suppose these were the continental shelves floating around. Anyway, we have beachfront property now, mountain lakes and streams, salty ones like the oceans, and other salty ones which seem to attract the odd religious groups around the Dead Sea and the Great Salt Lake. They like their salt. So god thought this was "good." There you go.

Also on the third day god made the plants. These "burst" forth on the land and covered it. Apparently some spilled over into the water part, but that's not mentioned here. Again god saw that it was good. Not to brag or anything.

Day 4 - "Bright lights appear in the sky to separate the day from the night." How was god marking time before this? Without the "bright lights"of the sun and moon how did he mark a day? And what happened to the other light, the one from day 1? And why would god make the plants before he made the sun? Did he see the plants dying and say, "I should move the ficus over into the light a bit." and realize that the big overhead light wasn't good enough? Otherwise, why bother with a sun and moon and stars? The light from day one already was enough to see by (see day days two and three) and he already was marking time, so why complicate things with more up there in the sky? And I mean lots more! Hundreds of billions of galaxies each with hundreds of billions of stars (http://hubblesite.org/newscenter/archive/releases/1996/01/). Again, like the water, overkill. Since we can't see the vast majority of these with our naked eye why bother making them? With the unaided eye humans can see around 3000 stars. But this number is if you could see all the stars, southern and northern hemisphere, and throughout all the seasons at the same time. So compare this 3000 with the billions and billions (Carl never really said that). Way overkill. It's just showing off at this point.

Day 5 - Every kind of fish and bird is created on this day, then blessed and told to fill up the sky and water. Again, god said this was good. I'd have to agree. Crab with melted butter? What's unclear here is whether god goes on here and does the rest of the animals or waits until day 6. So, let's just say that on this day he also made dogs and cats, cows and pigs, rhinos and ferrets, crabs and beetles. What is missing on this day are the kingdoms of monera, protista, and fungi. (http://anthro.palomar.edu/animal/table_kingdoms.htm) Those right there would have you busy for another day at least.

Day 6 - The interesting thing about verse 26 is not so much that man was created, but the way god is said to have spoken us into existence. "Let us make people in our image, to be like ourselves. Who is "us" and "we" and "ourselves?" Is this a monotheistic being? Is there more than one god? Did the Hindus, Greeks, Romans, Norse, and other cultures get it right and have more than one god running the show? Seems like that's what it says here. No mention of angels or other beings, and even so, could angels "make" people?

By the way, man and woman were created on this day, together. (v.27) This is important because chapter 2 says something else.

The next part has caused all sorts of problems for PETA; "They will be masters over all life." This mastery includes using all of these beings as food. (v.30) One word; bacon! Master your bacon. God commands it.

So this all happened on one day and it wasn't just "good," it was "excellent." If I could do all of this I'd say it was effin awesome!

Day 7 - Everything is done. Quite the to-do list so you can understand god wanting to take a day off and put his feet up. Day 7 becomes the holy day of football, nachos, and Budweiser after getting home from church.

Chapter 2 chronology:

Chapter 2 doesn't move like chapter 1, giving a list of things done each day, but gives us a different take on how things went. The order of events changes here. Things move pretty quickly and there's a bit of geography, so try to keep up.

There are no plants because god hadn't invented rain yet, and umbrellas and cultivation weren't around. Instead god had the idea that he could water plants by having the water seep out of the ground. Well, you can just imagine the mess.

Sometime after this god "formed a man's body from the dust of the ground and breathed into it the breath of life." From dirt. When I talk to christians who scoff at the idea of evolution over billions of years they have no problem with this. Blowing on dust is okay, but not gradual adaptations over a long, long time. Right.

So god the gardener plants a lovely place and calls it Eden. In Eden are plants and trees of all sorts, but two exceptional trees among the apple, pear, peach, and coconut trees, and these are the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil. One of these trees will come into play here in a moment.

Verse 10 through 14 gives the location of Eden, prompting numerous individuals and groups throughout history to actually spend money, time, and lives trying to locate this garden. Instead, they found Iraq and we all know how things are going there. But like WMD's, the garden is sure to be found any day now.

So the man gets placed in the garden and can have anything he wants, except the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If he eats from this tree he will, "surely die." What a setup. Like you're going to place this tree and its fruit in the middle of the garden and then tell the new guy that he can eat anything but this fruit? And how does man know what death is? He's never seen anyone or anything die. That's a totally new concept for a guy who is surrounded by a completely new world. And then maybe god says, "Go ahead and try a banana. Like I said on day three, they're good. But that tree smack in the middle of the garden, that's verboten." So something really bad will happen to you, even though you don't understand the concept of bad? Maybe god could have moved that tree somewhere else, like North Dakota? Notice also that man could have eaten from the tree of life. God only said that he couldn't eat from the other tree. Think of the pile of people had he eaten from that tree first!

In verse 18 god messes up the order of things. In chapter 1:24 god made animals first, then people (v.26). In chapter two it's definitely the other way around; man first then animals.

God also made animals out of dirt, which explains the condition of my dog's bed. And then, poor Adam (the book is calling him that now), he has to name each and every animal. There are 60,000 beetles alone. You've been around one day and already homework? And when he came to the Hercules beetle how did that go over? "Ummm... I'll call that big fella the Hercules beetle."
"Who's Hercules?" says supposedly know-it-all god.
"Just a guy from a religion not yet invented."
"What's a religion?"
"Can we get on with this? I'm only on the letter H and we have a ways to go."

So after Adam had named all of the animals and found none that were suitable because he hadn't seen Deliverance yet, god decided to make a woman. You have to wonder how many and which animals Adam went through to see if any were "suitable." Piranha? Rhino? Standard Poodles? Knocking Adam out, he took a rib from him and made a woman and brought her to Adam. Adam wakes up and sees her for the first time and quickly realizes she is way better than porcupines. Then off Adam and his wife (she has no name yet) go, naked as the day they were made from dirt and bone, wandering the garden unashamedly. Presumably because they aren't middle aged yet.

So, in review, chapter 2 differs from chapter one in the order in which species were created. Adam is created and immediately issued a death threat from god. He then has to name all the species of animals, presumably in Latin, and probably wishes god would kill him and spare him that chore.

Chapter 3

We don't know how much time has passed, but the next scene has "the woman" and the serpent in the garden talking about tree of knowledge of good and evil. The serpent tells the woman that she can eat the fruit and that she won't die. Instead, her eyes will be opened and she will know good and evil like god does. She will become "just like god." Tell me you wouldn't be tempted as well.

The woman is convinced, and rather than checking with god on what the serpent says she ate some fruit of the forbidden tree. She then gave some to Adam. This is the point where things start going south for humans. Immediately they knew good and evil and felt shame that they were naked. The Gap having not been around, they made skirts from fig leaves which apparently are big enough to cover things up. The thing here is that the serpent was correct in that they didn't die and that they did know good and evil, although some would argue that nudity is not evil. Not on some people anyway.

God is out and about in the garden and can't find Adam. This is because he's hiding from god because he's naked. Then comes the blaming. God wants to know if he ate the fruit, Adam says yes, but that it was the woman that gave it to him. God then confronts the woman asking how she could have done this. She then blames the serpent. God then curses the serpent; he's singled out in fact. He has to crawl on his belly and be stepped on and run over on highways by goobers from Oklahoma. The dung beetle sees this and asks what he did to deserve his plight. Thanks also for the name, man.

Then it's the woman's turn. She is cursed so that childbirth will be a royal pain. She might have asked, "What's childbirth?" since she didn't know that either. She's also, and this may be worse than childbirth, made subservient to her husband. He is her "master." Ouch! That's got to hurt. Later on, an apostle named Paul would be all over this line.

Adam, for his part in being the slow witted, gullible, quick to blame, can't take responsibility doofus that he is, gets to work for a living. I mean really work. Toil kind of work. Unless you're a CEO of a multinational, then not so much.

Then, Adam not really catching on to what's happening, looks at his woman and calls her Eve. Finally this, after naming all living things, he comes up with a name. Why getting cursed by god gives him inspiration we just don't know. We also don't know Eve's reaction to this, but it might have been something along the lines of,
Adam - "Hey! We're going to have babies! You'll be the mother of all... uh... everybody. I'll call you Eve. How cool is that?"
"You idiot! We've just been cursed and this is what you come up with? Where's that serpent gone off to?"

God, not being satisfied with cursing just the three who were responsible, decides that we all have to pay. Forever. Nice. Thanks for that. God then realizes that "the people" could also eat from the tree of life and then they would be immortal. He tells the others (what others you might ask? Don't know. Just that there are others and that god doesn't want us to become like them.) that they have to kick out Adam and Eve or they will "become as we are," immortal know-it-alls that are okay with skipping around naked.

So Adam and Eve load up the SUV and are banished from Eden. Adam is sent out to hoe the ground and god places angels and flaming swords to guard the garden gate. Get past the angels and the sword, eat from the right tree and you're immortal. There you have it; nothing Indiana Jones couldn't handle.

A Bible a Day...

Years ago, when I was still a faithful son of god, I read the Bible. It was during my junior and senior years in high school and I worked my way through it while isolating myself socially and spiritually from my other kids. I'd walk the half mile or so to the bus stop reading as I went. I'd sit behind the bus driver, Mrs. Moser, and read during the 45 minute drive to school. Then I'd continue on the way home again.

What a dork.

Now, I could say that I was devout and really wanted to know the word of god, but I need to be honest (now) and say that I also wanted others to think that I was holy. I made a big show of being holy and spiritual and devout. I'd look into the distance dreamily, pray at lunch, speak rarely and only with great gravity. I wanted everyone to know how holy I was.

On those rare occasions when I'd actually consider the passage that I was reading, rather than just let it slip by like water down a hill, anything that caused the least bit of trouble for me I let go and trusted god that he'd handle the details. My faith was such that god could do no wrong and that the Bible was without error. At first anyway.

So here I am, thirty-some years later reading the Bible again. A great deal has gone by under the bridge, so to speak. I've been a happily devoted atheist for most of that time and only now and again picked up the good book for a quick read when I found myself at a wedding and bored in a pew. I enjoyed looking for the juicy parts, like how the daughters of Lot got their father drunk and had sex with him, both conceiving children from the coupling. Also where the Bible says to kill your son if he talks back to you. Love that stuff.

Anyway, I mentioned to my mom that I was going to read the Bible again and asked her which of the twenty some versions I should get. Well, praise the lord, she gave me a Bible on the spot. No doubt she thought that it might get me to believe again, but I was just happy to have one. Not only did she give me a Bible, she gave me the "One Year Chronological Bible." What luck! So this is what I'll be reading and musing about over the next year. How fun!

DodgeRammit!

First, the title: When my son was very young we were driving somewhere in the car when I pulled up behind a Dodge Ram truck. I was just reading the truck name to myself and said, "Dodge Ram." My son spoke up from the back and chastised me, "Daddy, you're not supposed to say "dodgerammit."" From that day we have expanded the vehicular cursing to, "Dodge rammit, jeeps is chrysler products!"
From the mouths of babes.